I... Changed? - Part 1

i hate missing~

it all started from fs...
this someone(from hereon onwards,i'll use X to represent this someone) requested me to be a friend.
Seeing X's face, I.. I, feeling something beyond description(ahah), added X up.. and from then, we are officially 'friends'. I was - happy~

then X sent me a comment(in fs, the comment section is misused as a communication medium, haha), thanking me for adding X up. and upon reading that comment, sumhow i felt... some kind of bliss~

and from there, we started exchanging comments. from all of the comments ive received, X's was the one ive always anticipated. the later the days X replied my comments, the more worried i grew.

I.. changed? No~ please.. i wont want to.. but~ hmm ;(

then one day, X messaged me a phone no. it was X's. huh~ you dont know how excited i was to receive X's number. constantly contacting with X? god~

then, I quickly messaged X my phone number. X's was DG, mine was MXS. my credit was about rm1.20 plus minus.. huhu but i didnt care, as i was extremely joyful to have X's no.

i waited for X's reply.. but none came. I was down again. hours and hours of waiting.. until during my English tutorial, my phone vibrated.

"IS IT X???!!!!"

i took my phone out from my pocket.

heaven came down to earth.

it was X.

X messaged:
"hey it's me. this is my temporary MXS no. huhu. polah pa tek(sarawakian's whatchu doin?)"
well, sorta..

i didnt concentrate at all during that class~

then, suddenly X didnt reply my message. I was down and worried again.
'did i hurt X's feelings?' 'was it my words?'
myriads of question were spinning inside my head~

again, hours and hours of waiting, until at that night, another message came.
it was X's.
:D
then..
;(
hmm..
wat happened to me?

well, anyway..
the message was
'huhu sory lambat..........................pa polah tek?'
the dots are actually words that i cant recall.. but every word was like a plate of OV5's nasik ayam goreng into my mouth. huhuh.

then we started messaging again. bliss bliss bliss bliss blissssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but in my mind, at the same time, i was still wondering - what has gotten into me?

the way X messaged kinda insinuated that X was feeling the same way that I do. 'like', or 'more than just like'.. damn.. these words make me cringe.
(which was wrong, tho i hope not)

oh i forgot to tell ya, the day i got X's number was Thursday........or Friday????? but im kinda sure that i messaged with X during tutorial........... or not? errrr..... (*_*)

well, anyway, we continued messaging every night onwards, with my feeling towards X grew more.. well, more demanding of X..

f**k~ i definitely changed - for the.. worst.. or.. best... waaaaarrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ;(

we messaged and messaged, and i smiled and smiled, at the same time, wondered and wondered..
until last night(Saturday, afiq's birthday.. ohohoh, watched The New Police Story. was a good movie, enjoyed it)
i was messaging with X during afiq's bday party, but X was in late-replying-getting-on-my-nerves mode. huhhh
we still messaged until after the bday party, which 'ceased' at about 1 am.
yeap, messaged and messaged and messaged until i asked X,
"nangga muka gerek lok..." (means= can i see your special one's face?)

of which X replied
"nangga upa? em.. xleh ei.. erm.. tkejut lak" (means= see the face? em.. no.. erm... you'll be surprised)

there. from that messaged, i started to think that i was right about X.

of which then I replied
"i dont think I would be. just mms me."
haha~ at that moment, my mode of message was - korek(the secret) sampai ke lubang cacing, sort of...

then X replied
"Em.. aku padah ko 1 thing leh x"(means= can i tell you one thing?)
i dont know why, but this message kinda made me- happy... i dont know why! darn it

i replied
"sure. spit it"

juz to be replied with
"oh.. em.. xpajak la.. mayb next time jak.."(means= oh nvmind. myb nxt time)

wic then i replied, with high hopes
"just padah laa.. mybe its what i think about you. trust me, i wont be shocked"(means= juz tell me. myb its wat i think about u.)

then X replied
"its wat u hv thot? hoho.. wait2.. wt do u mean here"

i replied(im really working my a** off typing this)
well, lets just stop here aite..
lets skip until the part where X replied
"this is so shi*.. Cant believe tat im tellin u this.. Huhu"

.............
well, its for you to do the maths of what really happened =)

then suddenly i had the courage to do the same thing...
I... told X something ive never told anyone b4... a really dirty little secret of mine..
or shud i say?

confession?

damn.
the atmosphere at that time was ambivalent
joy, wondering, relieved, worried
haissssshhhhh
still, im stil wondering about wat's wit me

oh yea, after the conf.. X said wat i confd was kinda xpected.. ahah.. damn I gotta watch myself next time.. ;)

then we continued messaging, which was mainly about the confession..
I felt.. weird.

Just in case you guys made any stupid assumptions... im straight and i like the opposite sex.
orr... do i?

ahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaha you make watever assumption you want, i dont care.. its not 100% correct.. you could be wrong or right, i dont know..
watever it is you assume, i respect it. ahah =)
only me and X know what Im blogging right now.
right X?
hahah
emm..

anyway lets get to today! (sunday)
i woke up dissapointed this morning - no messages(not only from X, but from HER as well..)
arghhh wat happened to you ixat?!!
hurrmm

so i went to take my bath, got ready for my sports science lecture, and walked my way there.
waited for X's messages. none.

arrived at the lecture hall.
took out my phone. none.

pseudo-listened to Mr. Badrul's lecture, and inserted pseudo-laughs in between.
checked my phone again. none.

the lecture ended. went to USM cafe. bought a nasik ayam(it wasnt good)
sat down at a table, took out my phone.
none.

walked my way to OV5.
took out my phone. none.

i was sinking more and more into utter dissapointment.

went into my room.
checked my phone for the last time. NONE.
i was.. worried? i wonder why..
then i went dissapointed-ly into slumberland.

then
a message tone woke me up
my heart was racing, every beat was like USM's nasik ayam goreng(which isnt good) into my mouth
and then checked my phone for the message's sender.

X.

i jumped from my bed to my room mate's and to my bed again, repeating this nonsensical 'activity' for quite a number of times.
well, not really.
come on... you didnt think that i would actually do that do ya?!

back to my guilt-filled story
so it was X..
again, I was happy+wondering
so we messaged and messaged thru the day
but this time, X's messages were not as long and, in a way, sorta 'bubbly', like before
i was worried AGAIN! damn it!

and finally X said that it was time to go. X needed a bath. ahah my sentence sounds stupid.
so we stopped messaging.
and I waited for X message to come.
waiting and waiting.
until now.
this very second.
i am still waiting.
kept on checking my phone.
waiting.
waiting.
time is torturing me with its 'seconds' hand.
i dont wanna feel this way.
i just dont.
i hate missing.
i hate it.
i cant concentrate on my studies.
i keep on thinking about X.

X, if only you knew how i feel for you.
i wanna tell you.
but i juz dont have the courage.
i dont wanna ruin our friendship.
i never liked ruining friendships.
not again.
what happened 3 years ago - i wont let it happen again.
but..
fuc* it I cant stand this feeling.
missing.
missing the one I........
I.....
l....
lo...
no i wont say that word. that is one word that turns my inside out.
but that is what i feel.
i really really hope
you feel the same way for me too~
damn
i just dont know what's happening to me
right now i have to choose.

between X or HER

HER..
the one soul that always makes me happy
with HER's gorgeous face, sweet smile, but never quite understand how i feel.
foolish games.
i want to tell HER, but
the closeness we have right now..
is making me afraid to tell HER what i feel.

X..
the one that had me head over heels
had me missing
severely missing
severely wanting
made me felt..
free..
more of myself..
the only one that knows my secret.
a secret that nobody, absolutely no one, knows,
except X.
but this thing..
this feeling I have for X
is...
well..
how should i put it?
umm..
.......................wrong ;(
but..
f**k it.
i just..
lo...
lov..
haishhhhhh
i dont wanna say that word
it's..
too pinky.. hahah
hurmm...
i...

i love them both.. (damn!)
equally..
sometimes i want to be with HER
but then i want X to know my feelings and..
feel the same way that i do..

still, do they both feel the same way that i do for them?

and now..
im still missing X.
waiting for X's message.
tortured.

its the start of study week tomorrow.
no lects for the whole week.
means i wont be able to see HER.
means.. i'll grew more fond of X. like i do rite now.
i think HER is already owned anyway.
hmm..
time will tell.

HER and X
i..
love you.

DAMN I JUST TYPED IT!!!
but..
nvmind..
as long as they know.
as long as

X know........ hurmm

so there you are.
my lovey-dubbey blog
me myself cant stand reading it. ahah
but i just needed to let it all out

to X..
eyh sory owh ku tulis semua tok
i needed to blog it out
iboh ko x mesej ku indah pastok
heheh ;)
besides,
ko memang dah jangka nak?
u knew rite?
ever since from friendster,
u already knew
well, sory i guess.
butwatever it is..
wat i feel for you..
is..
real...

to HER
emm..
i dont think i will have a chance with you
you're like.. the puteri of UTP.. ahah
everybody wants you
and to compare me with the other guys out there..
you'll pass me easily..
hehe no offense yaa...
u're still one of my bestfriends, tho..
=)

arghhh ingga ku baca blog tok

okay, thats it.
i'm finishing this off.
well, hope you enjoyed reading.
c ya then

ixat.